When your friend falls head over heels—and you find yourself cringing at their choice of partner—the first thing to consider isn’t how to bring it up, but whether you should say anything at all.
“It takes a lot of self-reflection,” says Jordana Abraham, co-founder of the women-centric site Betches and co-host of the dating podcast U Up? Ask yourself: Do you dislike their partner simply because they clash with your personality or ruin your fantasy of fun double dates? Or are you truly concerned about how this person is treating someone you deeply care about? “One comes from your own preferences,” Abraham explains. “The other comes from wanting to protect your friend.”
We consulted experts on how to speak up without jeopardizing your friendship.
“How are things going with Jess?”
It’s best to enter conversations about your friend’s romantic partner with an open mind and a positive attitude. “Approaching it with curiosity and no judgment will make your friend much more open to hearing your opinions,” Abraham says.
If you come across as though you’ve already made up your mind about their other half, they’ll be less likely to confide in you about any issues, because you won’t seem like an objective enough source, she adds. Aim to bring it up privately during a quiet moment, rather than in a group setting.
“Your happiness is always my first priority, but I also feel protective of you. There are a few things I’ve noticed that I’d love to talk to you about—would that be OK?”
This approach centers your friend’s wellbeing, while gently introducing your concerns in a judgment-free way. “It tells them you’re not trying to control their choices—you’re just paying attention because you care,” says Jenny Dreizen, an etiquette expert and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, a website that offers scripts for tricky conversations. “Ask for permission before diving in, and if they say they’re not ready to hear it, respect that. It’s about planting a seed, not demanding a reaction.”
“I notice you seem different since you started dating Dan. What’s changed for you?”
The best thing about “different” is that it’s a neutral term, says matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom, who hosted the Netflix show Jewish Matchmaking. You’re not telling your friend they seem any better or worse than usual—you’re simply noting a change in personality and diving into what’s behind it.
“It allows them to do some self-reflection and tell you what’s going on—and maybe they’ll have that ‘aha’ moment and see what you’ve also seen,” she says.
“You don’t seem to be at your baseline happiness, and I’d love to see you in a relationship where you’re at baseline or above.”
It’s never a good idea to compare your friend’s new partner to an ex. Instead, reference their overall happiness, which could factor in their job, where they live, and their relationships, Ben Shalom says. “It’s acknowledging that the person they’re with might be affecting them, but not in a way that makes you smile—in a way that makes you concerned,” she says.
Another approach Ben Shalom sometimes recommends: “I don’t know that your best self is coming through when you’re with Matt.” Once you say this to your friend, follow up with a question: “Does this resonate with you? Or am I off-base here?” Then allow them to guide the conversation; you’ll be able to tell quickly if they’re receptive to talking it out, or if you should back off.
“How was it when they met your family? What did they do to celebrate your birthday?”
Asking about the more nuanced parts of your friend’s relationship can provide insight. Since you’re not phrasing your questions in a judgmental way, your friend is less likely to get defensive or clam up. “They’ll feel more free, if they are having an issue, to say, ‘It didn’t really go that well,’ or ‘He didn’t get along with my mom,’” Abraham says. Your job after that is to make it clear you’re a safe space for them to vent or ask for advice—and that you’ll always be rooting for the best for them.
